What to Say When Someone Is Grieving (and What Not To)

The Pressure to "Fix" It

When someone we love experiences a devastating loss, our first instinct is usually panic. We want to take away their pain. We want to say the exact right combination of words that will magically make them feel better.

But here is the hardest truth about grief: It cannot be fixed. It can only be witnessed.

When we try to "fix" someone's grief or look for a silver lining, we often end up saying things that are deeply invalidating. We accidentally make the grieving person feel like they need to hide their pain to make us feel more comfortable.

If you are terrified of saying the wrong thing, you are in the right place. At Dandelion Wellness Counseling, we help clients navigate profound loss every day. We’ve compiled this guide based on what grieving people actually want—and need—to hear.

What NOT to Say (The "Fix-It" Phrases)

Most of these phrases come from a place of deep love and good intentions. However, they fall under the umbrella of "Toxic Positivity"—the idea that we should maintain a positive mindset even in the face of tragedy.

Avoid starting any sentence with the words "At least..."

• "At least he is no longer in pain."
• "At least you had so many good years together."
• *"At least you can get pregnant again."*Why it hurts: The phrase "at least" immediately minimizes the person's pain. It tells them they should be grateful instead of devastated. There is no silver lining to a shattered heart.

"Everything happens for a reason."

Why it hurts: When someone is standing in the wreckage of their life, telling them there is a "reason" for their agony feels like a slap in the face. It implies that their trauma was necessary or part of a grand plan, which can provoke intense anger.

"I know exactly how you feel."

Why it hurts: Even if you have lost a parent, a spouse, or a child, you do not know exactly how they feel. Their relationship with the deceased was entirely unique to them. When you say this, the conversation suddenly shifts away from their grief and onto yours.

"Be strong for your kids/family."

Why it hurts: Grieving people are already using 100% of their energy just to breathe and exist. Telling them to "be strong" tells them that their tears and vulnerability are unacceptable. It forces them to put on a mask.

"Let me know if you need anything."

Why it hurts: We all say this! But a grieving person’s brain is entirely overloaded by trauma (often called "Grief Brain"). They do not have the executive function to figure out what they need, figure out who to ask, and then make the phone call. This phrase accidentally puts the burden of work back onto the person who is suffering.

What TO Say (The "With-It" Phrases)

If we can't fix it, what do we do? We get down in the dark with them. We validate their pain without trying to change it.

"I don't know what to say, but I am so glad you told me."

‍Why it helps: Honesty is incredibly refreshing. Admitting that you are at a loss for words removes the awkwardness and shows that you are simply willing to be present.

"This is so incredibly unfair. I am so sorry."

Why it helps: Validation is the greatest gift you can give a grieving person. Agreeing with them that the situation is terrible, unfair, and devastating makes them feel deeply seen.

"I was thinking about [Name] today. I remembered the time we..."

‍Why it helps: Many people are afraid to say the deceased person's name because they "don't want to remind the griever that they are dead." Trust us: they have not forgotten. Hearing their loved one's name, or hearing a new story about them, is often the greatest comfort in the world.

"I am here for you today, and I will be here for you in six months."

Why it helps: In the first two weeks after a death, the griever is surrounded by support. By month three, everyone else goes back to normal, leaving the griever completely alone in their new reality. Promising long-term support—and following through—is vital.

"Do not reply to this text."

Why it helps: Send a text that says: "Thinking of you so much today. Please do not reply to this text, I just wanted you to know I love you." This provides the warmth of connection with zero social obligation to respond.

Part 3: What to DO (Actionable Support)

Instead of saying "Let me know what you need," offer specific, actionable choices, or simply take action.

• Don't ask, just drop off: Instead of asking if they want food, text them: "I am dropping off a lasagna and some paper plates on your porch at 5 PM. I won't ring the bell, just grab it whenever you are hungry." (Paper plates are crucial—don't give a grieving person dishes to wash!).
• Offer specific choices: "I am going to the grocery store. Do you want me to pick up milk and coffee, or toilet paper and paper towels?" * Take over the mundane: Offer to walk their dog, mow their lawn, take their trash cans to the curb, or pick their kids up from school.
• Set calendar reminders: Put a reminder in your phone for the 1-month, 3-month, 6-month, and 1-year anniversaries of the death. Reach out on those days. They will be stunned and incredibly grateful that you remembered.

A Final Note from Dandelion Wellness Counseling

Supporting someone through profound loss is difficult, exhausting, and incredibly brave. If you are reading this, it means you care deeply about being a safe harbor for someone you love.

If you or your loved one are drowning in the heavy waves of grief, please know that professional support can be a lifeline. You do not have to carry the weight of this loss alone.

Reach out to Dandelion Wellness Counseling today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. We provide compassionate, specialized grief counseling for West Islip, Bay Shore, Babylon, and the greater Long Island community.